Baby Pigs, Doggie TV and Ukuleles

My youngest, Little Pink, has introduced a game of make-believe that can only be named, and described, as “Baby Pig”. Essentially, she takes to all fours and crawls around the apartment emitting little whimpers and whines which are, I assume, meant to resemble what an actual baby pig would vocalize. During this time, she will only answer when addressed as “Baby Pig” and she will only perform in such a manner befitting a baby pig.

I have no idea where this game came from or why it is so entertaining to her. This is not an occasional foray into Baby Pig-land, but an oftentimes lengthy sojourn that lasts for hours. This may lead to a young children’s book I am kicking around called “Spending a Day with Baby Pig”. It will be 87 pages of onomatopoetic pig noises.

My to-do list for the day involves: writing a little (and…done), bathing the children and dog (not at the same time, thanks.), and cleaning and preparing for the family camping trip this weekend. The dog needs scrubbed because, for one thing, she stinks and also because she will be taking her first visit to a “doggie hotel” during our trip. I call it a “doggie hotel” instead of a boarding facility or kennel when I mention it to her in hopes that she will be excited and happy about her little vacation. Ignoring the fact that she is a Pomeranian and that she has a brain the size of a walnut, I could probably call it “the doggie torture chamber” and she would respond with the same mouth-agape wide eyed face she always displays. Regardless, the dog hates camping. It is the complete opposite of what she finds entertaining and comfortable. Instead, we are giving her two nights in a deluxe suite complete with a comfortable cot and lambskin bedding, ample personal attention and an in-suite television tuned to “pet-related programming with all happy endings”. This is the description given to me by the all-too personable lady on the telephone. All the while I’m thinking, “I don’t think I have ever seen the dog watch television. I’m pretty sure she has never acknowledged the television’s existence”. But nothing is too good for our little Princess Walnut Brain.

Also on my plan for the day is waiting impatiently for UPS to deliver my new toy, a tenor ukulele. I am beyond excited and, like a doofus, have been clicking on the UPS package tracking site three times a day for updates on its progress. When it comes I will share my thoughts and maybe even offer up some samples of my virtuosic playing. Yes, you are that lucky.

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Winter Sucks Monkey Butts!

I know, I know. I’ve been slacking. It has been three months since I’ve posted anything on here and that was just a bizarre tirade about a Toyota commercial. The truth is that I have been very busy trying to raise my children and keep them entertained while, for the most part, keeping my sanity during the cold winter months. My wife will tell you that I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder… and she would be absolutely correct. I think she does too, but I won’t tell her that because she is horribly grumpy in the winter months. I kid, I kid…but really, it’s true.

In truth, I have just been spending the last three months closed up inside, watching Netflix and eating, all the while dreaming of sunny skies and warmer temperatures. Occasionally I would take the dog outside. This was usually accompanied by swearing at the cold and pleading with the dog’s bladder for rapid elimination.

So, to sum up: I hate winter. I hate winter in Ohio. I hate the cold. I hate the cold winter in Ohio. That is about all I have been up to lately.

Oh, and yoga. I’ve been doing some yoga.

The new 2011 Toyota Brathauler

I cannot stand this kid or his stupid car.  That fine-ass wood paneled Buick Roadmaster wagon is cooler than that boring hunk of Toyota crap could ever hope to be.  Style and personality beat out doucheness and conformity any day o’ the week.

Is this what passes for clever advertising nowadays?  I think that a little more brainstorming could have generated something better than “Smug twerp who needs haircut enjoys boring suburban transportation”.

End Rant.

Regarding Germs…

The following exchange happened at the park this morning while the girls were spinning on a tire swing..

Big Pink: What about our butts and the germs of other people’s butts?
Me: You mean your butt touching things that other people’s butts have  touched when sitting down?
BP: Yeah…
Me: That’s really not something you have to worry about.  The main thing is your hands touching things other people’s hands have touched.  That is the way germs are spread.
BP: Hands have germs and not butts?
Me: Well, people touch a lot more stuff with their hands, so yeah, kind of.  That’s why they have hand sanitizer.  You haven’t heard anything about butt sanitizer have you?
Big Pink and Little Pink (in unison): Butt Sanitizer! (Followed by thirty minutes of continuous, uproarious laughter).

And this is why you should let me teach your children science.

Everything Must Go!

Since my wife and I made the decision to downsize some things, we have been eliminating possessions like hot air balloon ballast. Our garage sale that was held last weekend was a big step in getting our “stuff” down to a manageable size. Don’t get me wrong, we still have too much stuff; it’s just that now there is a little bit less of it.

Obviously, the act of moving into an apartment from a house requires the jettison of some now-superfluous items. Lawn and garden tools have been rendered unnecessary along with a great deal of other “fix-it” items from the garage. Our basement, once a storehouse for excess (and excessive) furniture is now all but bare, with a small pile of boxes in the corner that is ready to move. Honestly, our front yard looked like a flea market furniture store last Saturday, and it all sold. In fact, other than my Newcastle Brown Ale sign (which I was reluctant to part with anyway) the few items that did not sell are already packed up and ready to be dropped off to a local non-profit.

The miracle part of this whole process is that we also managed to get rid of a lot of toys that the girls either don’t really play with anymore or that are too big to take with us. They honestly didn’t really care about most of them. With the exception of a large Mickey Mouse ball, which Little Pink looked at longingly for a few seconds, the kids didn’t put up any fuss about it. They have certain things that they play with on a regular basis. I think that they have a better understanding of what they value and what they enjoy playing with thanks to this little exercise. In fact, I think that parents (and grandparents) tend to assign value to toys more so than the kids do. I know that as they age, their desires and demands will become more difficult to dissuade. Right now, though, they seem pretty reasonable and rational when it comes to possessions. Our oldest will entertain herself with a mirror; that’s just how she is. Our youngest does more actual playing with toys, such as the dollhouse and Barbies, but she has particular favorites, and most of the time she will occupy herself for hours with a small doll and a couple of outfits.

Again, they still have too much stuff, but it is a workable amount for now. I have a feeling that the real battle will begin as we approach the holiday season. If any grandparent decides to go a little “crazy” on the gifts this year, they will also need to budget in the storage unit rental that will need to accompany said purchases. We don’t have the room. This is a good thing, in my opinion. It frees up funds to buy one quality gift that the girls will really enjoy. All too often, I feel, people employ a “spray pattern” of gift buying for kids instead of targeting their specific desires. I know that 75% of gifts purchased for my kids get played with approximately once before they are tossed into the toy box and forgotten about. Sometimes this is simply because so many more toys get piled on top that they never see it again. In order to combat this, I would like my kids to pursue activities that interest them. Toys and activities aren’t just ways to kill time or a distraction for kids; they are modeled interests that reveal parts of their personality. They are tools that allow kids to explore and grow in the world. If you don’t let them focus on the things that interest them, they will never know what does interest them. If I constantly introduce new toys into the mix, then they never have time to actually be interested in anything. I wouldn’t be surprised if the cause of ADD was too many damn toys as a kid.

What Things May Come…

The next couple of weeks are bringing more change than the last four years of my life combined, save for the birth of my second child.  In a way, I feel like the torturous uncertainties that I have been battling for quite a while are being lifted, possibly at a more rapid pace than is comfortable.  In the next two weeks, the following is happening: We are moving, and downsizing, into an apartment as we sell our house and I am quitting the job I have been at for the past four years in order to stay at home with the girls.  Since my wife recently acquired her dream job, this is the arrangement that works the best for us financially and in a family relationship sense.  It is better for me as a parent to be with them as they venture into their school years (Big Pink begins kindergarten and Little Pink is beginning pre-school) and there is no sense for me to work simply to pay for childcare that allows for pre and after school arrangements.  So that is decided.  I, James Harlen Wimsatt, will be a stay-at-home Dad.

Allow the panic to sink in.

Actually, this will be really cool.  I will be shuttling the girls to school and dance classes for the most part.  I will have time to fix their meals and monitor what they eat.  We can have fun hikes in the park which is going to be right next to our apartment.  The girls won’t have to go to bed with three hours of daylight remaining in the summer in order to get up at 6:00 a.m. so that Mom and Dad can ditch them at the sitters on their way to work.  I will also have more time to focus on my health and fitness.  Maybe even be able to make it to the gym again on occasion.  I will actually have alone time to work on things that I enjoy while the girls are both in school during the week.  Which brings me to…

What does this mean for Fatherness?

I admit that I have been slacking in the past month.  However, if you knew what my wife and I have been going through this past month, and some of you do, you would let me slide.  I feel that this lifestyle change is going to have a huge impact on Fatherness.  What was originally an outlet for my insane family ramblings and health dementia will become something bigger and better.  I don’t have everything mapped out as of yet, but I fully intend to focus my energies on making whatever vision I ultimately have for this become a reality.  I have a certain amount of confidence in what I feel this thing is capable of becoming, and it is exciting to me.

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