Dollhouse Tales: Volume One

Every other day or so, Little Pink demands that I play “dollhouse” with her.  It’s cool and all, but I last about five minutes before I run out of dialogue for my character, which is always the grandmother.  I mean, I am ALWAYS the grandmother.  For the life of me I cannot understand why.

Anyway, this time I decided that I would spice things up a bit by enlisting LP’s help in designing a dollhouse photo shoot.  I grabbed my phone and we put together some scenes. I may have added a couple of scenes of my own to keep things interesting for me, because I have the attention span of person with ADD who does not take his medication.

The house at dawn.
Dawn breaks at Dollhouse Manor

As dawn breaks at Dollhouse Manor, the Fooferturd Family (they’re German, it’s pronounced “Sha-Day”) stirs and prepares for a day full of drama and intrigue, with possibly some shenanigans thrown in…time permitting.

Off to work for Little Timmy!

Timmy starts each day with his paper route. His parents think it is a great way to teach Timmy the value of money and self-esteem.  Timmy thinks it is a great way to sock away some cash for his eventual escape to Mexico.  Plus, chicks dig a guy with his own wagon.  At least, that’s what Grandpa told him, back when the old man still wore pants and didn’t think that albinos ruled the country.

Investing heavily in binkies and blankies

One of the twins, Mickey, checks his portfolio. He is up early to check on the Asian markets. The activity yesterday made him soil his diaper, which is actually an everyday occurrence.  It’s just that yesterday, he actually had a reason.


Big sister Tammy spends the day like she spends every day, waiting for Bobby Thompson to call and ask her to go to the soda shop or roller rink or whatever the kids do nowadays.  They still drive their Packards to the drive-in, right? I’m still totally hip.

Whee! Baarrrk!

Done with his morning job, Timmy spends the afternoon taking the twins, Mickey and Shalindaniqua, on a ride around the neighborhood. Oh look! The family pooch, Senor Monday, wants to go for a ride too!

Oh crap!

Uh, probably not a good idea, Timmy.

Gimmie ten more, Grandma!

Uh oh! Grandma has taken too many Xanax with her five bourbon lunch. She tends to hallucinate that her personal trainer, Lemon Meringue, is helping her bust the flab. The family would stage an intervention, but she is in the best shape of her life!

Maybe someone could have sprung for some cheesy bread?

Looks like it’s time to sit down for a nice family meal. “Let’s all give thanks for Mom slaving over a phone for three minutes to call the pizza place”, Dad says, “Too busy to get in the car and go through the drive-thru, Diane?”  “Go to hell, Tom”, Mom replies before cracking open her third beer.  Remember folks, family meals equals family togetherness!


Oh shit! Giant dog!


For Dad, there’s no better end to the day than a few stolen moments wrapped in chenille.  He doesn’t just look pretty, he FEELS pretty!

Soul Eater

That’s all folks! Tune in next time for more adventures from Liechtenstein’s favorite family or the giant Pomeranian will consume your soul!


4 thoughts on “Dollhouse Tales: Volume One”

  1. O M G, Jim….you make my day!!! I have tears running down my cheeks! Please, please, more chapters 🙂 that was hilarious…particularly to those of us who have had to play with 4 and 5 yr olds and make believe….

  2. OMG!! That is just what I needed!!! Please do more! We have the same dollhouse, and without reading the story to my 5-year-0ld, she REALLY, REALLY liked it, was laughing, and kept asking me, “who’s doing that?” So funny!

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