Untimely Movie Review

There comes a time in every parent’s life where they sit, eyes wide in amazement as they marvel at just how much the kid’s movie they are watching absolutely sucks.  Anyone who happens to have a copy of The Care Bears Movie knows what I’m talking about.  This is why I have named this phenomenon the Care-Bear-Stare, in accordance with the movie.  Glazed eyes, mouth open in astonishment of just how horribly thought out this show, movie, etc. might be.  The only thought that runs through my mind during the C.B.S. is how these people still manage to have jobs in an “entertainment” business.  If I would be as bad at my job as these people are, something would have exploded by now; and I work in an office. 

I pretty much C.B.S. my way through each mornings “Arthur” episode during breakfast.  I would prefer Blue’s Clues, but for some reason the girls really like that horrible show featuring that irritating, whiny um…hamster?  Groundhog?  I seriously have no idea.  I can’t stand the rabbit character on that show either.  Actually, the whole thing seems to take place in Annoying Character City.  Seriously, what is Arthur supposed to be anyway? Other than a poor role-model for my girls, that is.  I’m sorry.  I really had no intention of going on about this show.  Once I get started, I just can’t stop.  I officially have a Pringles level of hatred for that show.

I did want to relate to you the latest occurrence of C.B.S. that took place this weekend.  I would deem this movie to be chloroform disguised as a DVD, because I think all four of us dozed off at least once during the film.  I feel a little bad about this, since it is officially a Disney classic, but the Care-Bear-Stare movie of the week was: The Rescuers.  While I wait for the flame war to begin, I will try to justify my position here.  I know the movie is 33-years-old and it may not hold up too well to modern scrutiny.  Apparently it was a simpler time then, when people appreciated movies that had one sentence worth of plot, painfully slow pacing or soundtracks that made me thankful for Randy Newman.  But wait; there are other films from that era that seem to hold up just fine.

Close Encounters of the Third Kind

Eraserhead

The Kentucky Fried Movie 

umm…Star Wars!

Heck, both Billy Jack and the Happy Hooker went to Washington that year.  If that doesn’t make for some raucous entertainment I don’t know what does.  (If you have read this blog for any length of time, you may suspect that I actually do NOT know what does.)

I won’t go into detail about the movie, mostly because I Care-Bear-Stared my way through most of it and I can’t recall a lot of details, other than my wife’s intermittent snoring and the girls trying to remain interested during the interminable musical interludes.  I am being completely forthright when I say that the music in this film makes Perry Como look like Trent Reznor.  Big Pink, who enjoys oatmeal, plain spaghetti noodles, and marathon viewings of Barney the Dinosaur made only one statement at the closing song of the movie: “That’s a BORING song”.  I’m pretty sure it was the song that was nominated for an Academy Award for that year.  I assume it lost out to crickets chirping or some guy making armpit noises.

I can usually squeeze a least a little entertainment value from event the worst movies.  The aforementioned The Care Bears Movie is horrible in such a way that you can imagine a humorous parody of it in your head.  I sometimes catch myself humming the “Care-A-Lot” theme song with inappropriate lyrics.  In the case of The Rescuers, however, no amount of internal fart joke dialogue can make up for, what I remember to be, some mice just standing around for an hour or so.

If this was one of your favorite movies as a child, and you are terribly offended by my take on it, I apologize.  I’m just not as easily entertained, I guess (and I am VERY easily entertained).  My favorite movie as a kid was the movie Rad.  Yep, it’s the movie with the BMX racing.  That is just how easily entertained I am.  In all seriousness, though, how can you not watch a couple freestyle bike-dance to Real Life’s “Send Me an Angel” and not be entertained.  I dare you!

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